Sep 17, 2009

Cats and Polytheists Rock

So I was on Paganism and Wicca on Facebook when Daniel (one of our resident Heathens) posted this gem (apparently the idea came from a book, and then from a Heathen podcast, but here's his version):

There was once a village in which every neighbour believed a different thing about what they called Cat. A reporter went there to interview the inhabitants about their strange beliefs. He got to the house of the first person, Monotheist.

"There is only One Cat!" said Monotheist vehemently. "And only I know the best food to leave him! He rewards me for leaving the Only Good Food by purring at me and bringing me gifts of dead mice, and if somebody else tries to give him inferior food he will punish them by hissing and scratching! All other stories of Cat are lies! Some say that he is another colour, but I know that Cat is black!"

The reporter, slightly disturbed, goes on to the next house, belonging to Duotheist.

"There are two cats," explained Duotheist. "One is male and the other is female, and I leave them food, but it is only symbolically." The reporter asked why it was symbolic only, didn't cats need to eat? "Yes," said Duotheist, "but they are metaphorical. I see many cats in many colours, but they are always One Male Cat and One Female Cat. They eat my food and inspire me to embrace both genders."

The reporter, a little weirded out, goes on to the next house, belonging to Pantheist.

"I'm a cat!" was the first thing Pantheist said. "And so are you!" The reporter denied being a cat, proving he was actually a human by taking off his fedora with the word PRESS on a piece of paper sticking out of it that all reporters have to wear. "No, no, you don't understand" said Pantheist. "Cat lives within you." The reporter asked if Pantheist had ever seen a cat before. "Cat lives in everything," replied Pantheist. "Cat is the force that guides everything. I have seen that Cat will manifest into a form that comforts me, that of a physical animal: a female cat who is brown who purrs all the time. I leave food for her."

The reporter left, not really able to disagree except to the degree that Pantheist seemed to be confused with what was a cat and what was life itself. He came to the next house, belonging to Atheist.

"My neighbours are deluded," he told them. "Cat is a lie created by ignorant country buffoons. Cat food should go to help the poor instead of being put out to trick them into thinking Cat exists! Cat poop is put there by scheming fanatics to trick us all! There is no Cat! I can use their own Pet Care manuals to disprove it to everyone! Look, it's filled with errors and contradictions!"

Leaving Atheist frothing at the mouth, the reporter scarpered to a safe spot, where he met a hobo on the street, surrounded by cats that he was keeping around by feeding them scraps he got from passers-by. Intrigued, he asked the hobo what his name was, and found he was called Polytheist.

Polytheist remarked that HE knew that there were many cats, that is why Monotheist saw the black one but Duotheist always saw two of different colours, and Pantheist saw the one who purred all the time. Atheist was just a bit of an idiot. The two saw Monotheist get into a fistfight with Atheist down the street over their disagreement, and Polytheist laughed, noting that they never came over to his side of town, which was the first side of the town that had been built, so they didn't know about the huge amount of cats that could be found there, some friendly, some not, some starving strays, some that were well-mannered housepets. Duotheist occasionally would come and take two cats home, but tended to neglect them. Pantheist would try and take HIM home, claiming him to be a cat himself.

And Chaos Magician, well, he'd stick a banana in his ear and run around naked proclaiming everything he saw to be a dog.

Hope you enjoyed. I know everyone at PaW got a good laugh!


Anonymous said...

This story is awesome. LOL. I need to post this to a few people I know.:)

Aelwyn said...

Glad you enjoyed! :)

Rue said...

LOL - this is brilliant. I read this to Dexter and Daisy - but they just stared at me and meowed for some treats. Ahhh...cats!

Aelwyn said...

Rue: LOL! Yeah, I tried to read this to Rackham and LaVeau....but Rackham just stared at me in disdain, and LaVeau batted at a piece of hair that fell out of my ponytail. *sigh* LOL!

Bridgett said...

This sums it all up pretty perfectly, doesn't it? :)

Loved it! Thanks for sharing it with us...


Aelwyn said...

Boo: It does! :) And you're welcome. Daniel The Heathen rocks muchly!

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